What do you do when you’re suffering? How do you escape patterns of blaming in your relationship, and find the place within you that can turn painful moments into growth, and transformation? And how do you know when you’ve experienced too much pain – when it’s time to move on? This week, we’re having a return visit with Guy Finley, author of the new book Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together and the international bestseller The Secret of Letting Go. You’ll get to hear Guy’s work in action, as we tackle what’s real – when you’re hurting – and find practical ways to embody deep spiritual principles of healing when your heart is aching.
If you’d like to listen to my first episode with Guy Finley, check out Episode 164 – How Love Can Dissolve Conflict
As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it!
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Visit the website for Guy Finley’s new book Relationship Magic for special bonus content
Visit Guy Finley’s main website
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Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Today we’re fortunate to have return visit from a favorite guest from the past. His name is Guy Finley, and he is an internationally renowned spiritual teacher and the bestselling author of the book The Secret of Letting Go, as well as 45 other books and audio programs that have sold the whole world over.
Neil Sattin: In our most recent conversation with Guy, we were discussing his book, Relationship Magic, which is subtitled Waking Up together, which is all about the ways that we continually come back to love in order to connect with our partner and how to get past the kinds of patterns that block us or hold us back when we’re in relationship with our beloved.
Neil Sattin: So today, we’re going to dive deeper into relationship magic. And initially I was thinking that we might spend some time around the topic of how to make a fresh start, because that is so often the challenge in relationship where you are dealing not only with what is happening right in front of you in the moment, but with the history that you share with your partner, the history that you bring into the relationship and potentially the accumulation of hurts or transgressions or ways that you wish, you wish your partner were showing up for you or maybe you’re feeling the weight of how you wish you were showing up for your partner, how your partner wishes you were showing up for them. There, I got it out.
Neil Sattin: I’m also going to be candid with you that today my heart is a little hurting and aching. And so I think that all of this is going to come into the mix, and I’m really excited to have Guy with us today. If you are interested in a transcript of today’s episode, you can visit neilsattin.com/magic2, that’s the word magic, and the number 2, or as always you can text the word passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. And the reason why this episode is magic 2 is my first episode with Guy, our first episode together, was neilsattin.com/magic. So here we are to continue the conversation. Guy Finley, it’s so great to have you here with me today.
Guy Finley: Thank you, Neil, I’m happy to be with you too, I remember fondly our first conversation and I know we’ll have a meaningful dialogue together, today.
Neil Sattin: Yeah, I’m right there with you. I’m always excited when people want to come back and I’m super excited when it’s after having had an amazing conversation like the first one that we had, so I definitely encourage you listening to go back and check that episode out. Yeah, and I’m curious, you were sitting there on the other end hearing my introduction and I have some thoughts about where I might like to start, and Guy, I’m wondering, is there something in particular that spoke to you as we started to dive into our conversation together?
Guy Finley: Well, you know, we can look at and we will, I’m sure, specifics, but I think that one of the main points at least in our last conversation and as we’ll recover and uncover again today, we all have a very distinct responsibility for how we feel. Our tendency is to be almost completely outwardly oriented, meaning that our sense of self is virtually in the hands of those that we are with, around or consider, and depending on the moment of that consideration, so goes the feeling we have of ourself, and I think that we have to marry this idea. I have a way of expressing it, Neil, and you might want to write this down, listeners, because it gives us a much broader view of our experience of relationships, not withstanding… How do I say this? Without diminishing the significance of individual ones.
Guy Finley: Here it is. As goes my attention, so comes my experience. As goes my attention, so comes my experience. I’m sitting here in Southern Oregon, it’s a fairly overcast fall day. The ground on my property is 100% covered with leaves. I know there is grass under it, but it’s just a carpet of leaves and looking out the window and watching the birds and the leaves, and all that nature brings about, I give my attention to the beauty of this fall day, and my experience follows. My attention goes to a massive buck. It’s the rut season here, and so these beautiful massive bucks are chasing the does, and I can feel in that buck this incredible natural strength, really power, and I’m lucky, forgive me if I wax on too long here, because I’ve hand raised like eight generation of deer here, not in the sense of being with them every single day, but most of them know me and I can hand feed them, so I’m able to be very close to these powerful creatures.
Guy Finley: As goes, my attention, so comes my experience. Now, we get that when it comes to nature. That’s why we like mountain vistas, ocean views, beautiful sunsets, colorful fall. Because the experience we have is inseparable from what we’re attending to in the moment. You following me, Neil?
Neil Sattin: Yes, of course.
Guy Finley: So now, though, when it comes to our relationships, we have to make a little deeper connection, and that is that my attention goes on to something from my past, something I just lost, something that hurts, and I can’t help but believe that there’s no choice for me but to feel the things that I am, and here’s the key, being given to feel by where attention has been taken. And in this instance, it’s a very key idea. In nature, I give my attention to things that are beautiful because I love the experience of knowing the beauty within me that I can see outside of me. When it comes to our relationships with other human beings, whether it’s a husband, a wife, someone on the street, whatever the case may be, that in those moments I have to understand, especially if I’m suffering, that my attention has been taken and placed on something that while it may have occurred is no longer occurring, it’s literally in the past, and the experience that I’m being given because my attention goes onto something painful, sorrowful is because I don’t recognize yet that I have a certain complicity with those kind of moments where my contentment seems to be taken from me, but in truth, I’m giving it away.
Guy Finley: So I just want to get this broader picture in mind so that we understand that we are never powerless in the face of some painful moment in a relationship, but rather we don’t understand where our true power lies, which is to possess our own attention and use the moments where our attention wants to be taken to change the kind of human being we are through that relationship in the moment, then as we change, everything about our life changes as well.
Neil Sattin: There’s so much to go from from what you were just saying. And on the show I often talk about the reality of how you feel in the moment and that there are ways that if you try to just kinda gloss over how you’re feeling and what’s coming up for you, that you could end up doing a lot of damage to your relationship. And this comes up more often than not, I think, when people are in a state of trigger, they’re really angry, or really scared, and then they’re trying to interact with each other from that place. But when you’re operating from your fight-flight or your freeze place, it’s rare that’s something good can come of that. So I usually invite people to give attention to what is happening within them.
Neil Sattin: And so as luck would have it, I’m taking in your words as goes my attention, so comes my experience and recognizing that my attention goes so clearly to this experience of my heart aching. And as you were describing the world outside your window there, I was gazing out my window here at the urban landscape that is right outside, and what I noticed more than anything is the quality of the autumn light, this really… Well, the words that are coming to me are where it’s like stark, this stark yellow light, and I love the quality of that light, I always feel like the world looks so much more clear to me, and it is like a spotlight trained on the state of feeling that I’m experiencing in this moment.
Guy Finley: Yeah, and we’re going to unwrap all of this, because I like you, especially in the fall, and I don’t know exactly why, maybe it’s because the angle of the sun creates a different frequency or I don’t know exactly what it is, but at certain times, it’s almost, I don’t know if there’s such a word, rapturous, there’s just such a unique feeling that one derives from that light. Now, taking pains to look at that, is the unique feeling in the light itself, or is the unique feeling a relationship between that light coming from the sun and the parts of myself in which it is reflecting. This is key. And the answer is, it’s because it stirs in my consciousness a quality or a character that I would never know were it not for that moment of relationship and where my attention is in that same moment.
Guy Finley: So we’re building an understanding here that moments like those are so precious to us, if they are, because they are first awakening in us parts of our own consciousness that otherwise we don’t have access to, so that the moment of that light is the same as the realization of a level of our own consciousness, that without the light, we can’t experience, so we get that and we love it and we want to give our attention to that light, to that buck, to the leaves, whatever it may be, for what it seems to give to us in the same moment.
Guy Finley: But now, listeners, Neil, let’s turn it around. Let’s say I’m faced, for whatever reason, not with the additional beauty, the extra fulfillment of something in myself by a relationship with nature around me. But let’s flip it around and say suddenly, I seem to be filled with a sense of loss. I seem to be in a hole somewhere because I can’t take my mind off of what someone did or didn’t do, what he said, what she didn’t follow through with, any of those conditions. And we have to understand, if we’re willing to, is that it’s the same principle in action. What the moment is bringing to me is a revelation of an aspect of my own consciousness in this instance that seems not to be fulfilled, but rather seems to be taken from me, something precious.
Guy Finley: And this is where for me the rubber meets the road. If in fact a moment comes along, and I’m filled with whatever, anger, fear, anxiety, trepidation, a mixture of all of those things, my usual reaction is to look at the event that I hold responsible for the revelation. She didn’t this, he did that. And when we look at the moment, the person, the problem as the reason for the revelation, we ignore the fact of what it is that’s being revealed in us by that moment. So that I’m saying that these unwanted moments, as opposed to wanted ones, are every bit as valuable, if not more valuable, because those moments that we don’t want are because something is being revealed in our consciousness that believes one way or another it is only as good and valuable and capable of contentment as is the condition outside of it responsible for its momentary appearance, which is why, by the way, we become so dependent, so attached, it never really dawns on us how this attachment grows.
Guy Finley: And I’m not saying, Neil, you know I’m not, that we don’t fall in love, that we don’t have attachments. I’ve been married for 40 years and every, God only knows why, blue moon, somehow I have this dream that she’s not the same person, that she’s not as attentive or caring and I wake up in that dream from a certain kind of sorrow that doesn’t exist without the dream, but I realize that the dream is in fact a revelation of a level of attachment that I’m not conscious of, so I’m not denigrating the relationship, I’m not even saying there’s anything wrong, in quotes, with that attachment. What I am saying is that there’s something far more right for me as a man, a human being, in realizing that where there is attachment, there is dependency; where there’s dependency, there’s inevitable sorrow and fear.
Guy Finley: And to understand that doesn’t take from us the richness of the loss of something. To me, it enriches the moment, because it allows me to tap into, become conscious of parts of myself that were it not for that moment I would never know the extent to which I am attached, dependent and therefore, back to the opening comment, therefore now I get it. My attention is going to the attachment, not to the beauty of what I may have had or do have, but to the fear of loss and primarily the fear of having lost myself because someone else did what they did.
Guy Finley: And we can see that in scale in every relationship we have with life, not just with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, relationship with money, relationship with health, all of these aspects of our consciousness that we have become unknowingly attached to and therefore demanding that they remain in place. So, that should something shift and suddenly we don’t know who we are anymore, I would argue, even as painful as it may be, that that’s a very special kind of revelation, serving a very special kind of realization that without it, we would never know the extent of where we have handed over our life to something outside of us. I’ll stop there.
Neil Sattin: Okay, so I feel like, yeah, I feel like you’re getting to… You’re teasing my next question, in a way, because…
Guy Finley: Sure.
Neil Sattin: And as you were talking about attachment in particular, it wasn’t lost on me that your big book is called The Secret of Letting Go, so I was thinking about, like, okay, yeah, I think I think I have a sense of where we’re headed here, but I… I wonder, yeah, I wonder what the next step is. And there are actually two little pictures that are unfurling from this particular moment for me. One is being, let’s say, the person who’s feeling the heartache or feeling the result of the attachment, feeling the anger, the fear, the shame, the injustice…
Guy Finley: Betrayal?
Neil Sattin: All of that, yes. One question is like, great, this is being revealed to me, what do I do? So that’s question number one. Question number two in particular relates to relationship, because I do believe that there are some experiences that you just can’t have without being in relation to something, and that’s why it’s important to not feel like you have to work out all your stuff before you get into a relationship with someone, ’cause no matter what, they’re going to stir things up in you and there are things you can’t quote unquote fix until you are faced with them in relationship. However, what if you’re in relationship and you’re in a practice of realization around all these challenging states of feeling and consciousness, but your partner that isn’t operating from that place, so the more that you lean into the realization of the reality of what’s happening in that moment, your partner leans more into wanting you to fix, wanting you to change, wanting you to be other than who you actually are, because they’re convinced that you need to change something in order to fix their experience.
Neil Sattin: So they’re too connected but somewhat divergent questions. Where do you feel inspired to dive in first?
Guy Finley: I want to be very clear. When we fall in love, we have a passion, we fall in love and have that passion for someone or something. Because at the onset of that relationship, we are privileged through that person or that condition to go through what that relationship alone awakens in us because of the unique elements that have converged in that relationship. To this day, my wife has a certain smile, if you just say the word TJ Max around here, I swear to God, and I’m very conservative, I could wear the same clothes for 50 years and if they didn’t fall off my back, I would still be doing it. That’s just what she just… She loves fashion, she is a spiritual woman, but she just loves fashion. So even though I wish that she didn’t, it tickles me when I see her smile. I know before she’s even going out where she’s going ’cause there’s a gleam in her eye.
Guy Finley: So I would never know were it not for that quirky part of my wife that little quirky feeling. But now we have to turn it around, because to the same extent that I am introduced and fulfilled made a hole in a way, because what is she showing me in those moments other than something I don’t know about myself and can’t feel without her? The converse holds true, Neil. I can’t know there are parts of me that are selfish, that can’t listen, that are impatient, that want to be left alone. I can’t know those parts of me without her, without relationship with something. And where my work is, I think, quite different from most others is that I say that we must learn to first understand the significance of those revelations that are so unwanted and, rather than continue to blame the relationship, the person or the predicament for the pain inherent in realizing these are parts of my consciousness that I am asleep to, to be thankful for being awakened.
Guy Finley: Because the same integration that takes place when she awakens in me a wish to sacrifice, a willingness to go past myself and put her first, that same gratitude must appear when I am integrated, awakened to those parts of myself that I would avoid at all costs if I could were it not for love that uses my wife to awaken me to these limitations, and that uses me for my wife to awaken her to her limitations to serve a greater love than either of us can know without each other, whether high or low, light or dark, all serving a greater relationship, that love puts human beings together for. So that through those revelations, wanted and not, the man or woman can begin to become an integrated being, no longer living in unseen conflict with parts of him or herself, because the image that he has of himself or herself won’t allow the fact of these aspects of limitation in our consciousness, so that that level of consciousness buries these things, but a stone under the ground weighs as much as one above, so that those moments are invitations, Neil, as painful as they are, to realize that there’s no way any relationship can go forward as long as there is attachment and dependency that forms the seed of limitation, so that without these limitations revealed by my partner or by my partner leaving me or my partner hurting me, whatever my partner may have done, that moment is the revelation of a limitation in me.
Guy Finley: It’s not their limitation and even if it is, I must still thank them. I don’t mean to jump way off-board here, but this is the interior meaning of what Christ meant by love thine enemies. Because in those moments, without my wife, my husband, the guy on the street, the person tailgating me, the financial thieves that are breaking the country, without all of that taking place, I would never know the enmity, the violence, the anger, all of the things that so conveniently blame people and places and situations outside of me, so that those characteristics can continue living in the dark of our consciousness, not my consciousness, not Neil’s consciousness, not my wife’s consciousness, in consciousness that we are the instruments of and that are intended to be developed by the action of love revealing to us what only love can, high and low, light and dark.
Neil Sattin: Can I make this a little more personal?
Guy Finley: Anything, Neil, you know that, man.
Neil Sattin: Okay, let’s just start with something that doesn’t have say a lot of charge to it. So often I use the dishes, but let’s forgo the dishes. Let’s talk about the laundry. And I’m wondering like what if, hypothetically speaking, Guy, let’s say you are someone who habitually takes off your clothes and you just kinda drop them wherever. It could be the bedroom floor, it could be the bathroom, could be the living room. It’s wherever they… And they end up kind of all about. And your wife, with whom you’ve been for 40 years, comes in and says to you, you’re blissfully working on your next book, and she says, “Guy, I can’t handle this anymore. Your clothes are everywhere, you’re so lazy. We’ve talked about this at least once a month for the past 40 years. Is it going to be another 40 years of us having this same conversation about your goddamn clothes being all over the place? I can’t even think straight.”
Guy Finley: Oh, and we know that happens, don’t we?
Neil Sattin: Of course.
Guy Finley: Maybe it’s not the laundry, maybe it’s not the dishes that you think someone else will clean up for you. It could be anything, the way you park the car in the garage.
Neil Sattin: Right. Or it could be something more serious, like I can’t believe you slept with that person three years ago, right? I’m still feeling about that. How could you go? How will I ever trust you again?
Guy Finley: Of course. Of course. And so the question is, what does one do in those moments as the one offended or the one being offended, as the offender or the one being offended?
Neil Sattin: Well, it’s debatable which is which in that circumstance, it’s debatable, but…
Guy Finley: Because we have to ask a pretty big question here, what’s the difference between the two? In this instance, let’s just say that, let’s say, I do throw my clothes around…
Neil Sattin: Right, and just so you know, listening, I can see Guy’s living room and there are no clothes anywhere. So this was strictly hypothetical.
Guy Finley: Of course, but even if they were and my wife had asked me innumerable times to clean them up, then I cannot blame her, she wants order, not chaos. And if I don’t honor my wife’s wish, then I have to understand that she and I have a major difference. She’s asked me first nicely, she’s become upset over it, and yet there’s something in me that just will not do what it is she needs done. You’re not asking me to lose 50 pounds, she’s saying, “Take your laundry and put it away.” So there’s an irreconcilable difference, Neil, her character and my character have something that is in conflict with each other. If I don’t change she will, because she can’t help herself, I might add. See, this goes to something so much deeper. I know everybody wants it simple. Can I get upset? I’ll turn it around. Can my wife get upset with me in a manner that… Would you agree that if someone loses their temper with you because you have a sock on the floor that that would be called a tempest in a teapot?
Neil Sattin: Yeah, maybe there’s some context that makes it less of a teapot. Like, for instance, 40 years of having had the same conversation over and over again but…
Guy Finley: I understand, but that’s the definition of insanity, isn’t it?
Neil Sattin: Perhaps. I mean, I think…
Guy Finley: No, it is. I insist, I insist, I insist. So here’s a force in one direction meeting a force in another direction, and it’s not moving. So that is the insanity. See, here’s what we don’t want to get into, Neil. If I’ve asked my wife 50 times over 30 years not to do something and she keeps doing it, then at some point I have to recognize that the pain that appears in those moments is not going to go away by making her into what I need her to be, so at that point I either understand that’s how she is and it’s a small battle, it’s very small in the scheme of things. But now to my point, something in me wants to make it moment, huge and there’s what I’m getting at it. It never dawns on any of us, for the most part, that no one picks a fight with anyone else unless prior to the fight they pick they are in pain. It’s a section in my book, pain picks the fight, not the person, so that here’s something in my wife rubbed raw over 40 years that she is unable to reconcile and let go of the fact that this is just part of a character, I love him more than I care about his socks.
Guy Finley: But pain, my attention goes to the context of the condition, which is I’ve asked him for 100 years, he won’t change. Instead of realizing that what’s not changing in that moment is me, I’m the one who won’t let go of the insistence that he be jumping through the hoop I want him to jump through about socks. What’s more important, his socks and underwear, or that I have something in me that gets set on fire when I see it, because if we can learn to ask the important questions, “What in God’s name is this pain I’m in over some peculiar aspect of my partner, that I’ve asked kindly, I’ve lost my temper, I’ve threatened to leave, but it doesn’t change.” So either get up and walk out or walk away from those parts of yourself that are captured by that conflict every time the context reappears in your mind.
Guy Finley: So that’s the first thing, Neil, when my wife, God bless her, and I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, we’ve never raised our voices at each other in 40 years. But it doesn’t mean that over 40 years, she hasn’t said unkind things, but for whatever reason, by the grace of the work that I’ve done, I never react to unkindness with unkindness, I use her unkindness to allow whatever is kicked up inside of me to show me whether or not there’s something factual in her unkind statement, because we can’t tell the difference.
Guy Finley: Because when somebody attacks us, all we see and feel is the attack, instead of realizing there may be something in us producing the pain they’re experiencing and that we need to deal with in ourselves. But if my first reaction is rejection, I’m not just rejecting my wife, I’m rejecting the revelation that’s necessary and that if I could see it she might change herself as well. So what I do is, when she has said something unkind, is I never bring it up. I wait, sometimes two days, I wait until she’s no longer in that consciousness, and then I will simply say to her, “Sweetie, do you remember we were walking down the driveway and you brought up that thing? I just want you to know that there’s no value in bringing that up. It hurt. I’ll deal with what I can, but to bring it up, it’s just useless.”
Guy Finley: And then because she is the kind of woman she is, she will not react to that or on the spot she’ll say, “You know what, I knew it when I said it, and I’m sorry.” And then it’s not I’m sorry because you got mad at me; I’m sorry, because you allow me to see something in myself that I could have never seen if you just rejected and resisted the comment. And then love is doing what love is meant to do, which is develop the two people that love has brought together into a better representation of what love is. So I hope that clarifies some of what you asked, but I’m going to deal with something you didn’t ask, if you’d like.
Neil Sattin: Yeah, go for it.
Guy Finley: What in God’s name do I do with this pain? How do I go forward from here, what’s going to happen? I feel like my heart was stolen out of my chest and the only one that I can look at and, in essence, blame and feel betrayed by is the person, my husband, my wife, my business partner who stole from our business that we started, as best friends. I mean, God, Neil, life is nothing but an endless series, a success of conditions where we find ourselves with our mouth open wide going, “What?” You know what I mean, “What?”
Neil Sattin: Totally. How did I get here?
Guy Finley: Yeah.
Neil Sattin: Yeah.
Guy Finley: And the answer is the last answer we want, but the only answer that brings an end to the unconscious continuation of the pain. Someone says something, it hurts. Someone steals from me, someone betrays me, it’s heartbreaking. I gave this person 30 years of my life, I did everything I knew how to do to be the best, most complying person I could so that this person could grow, and then they turn around and there’s the… They’re bad talking me or worse, they steal. The pain is undeniable. I feel like I’m dying. No human being doesn’t go through that. And this will really throw you, and the luckiest of us go through that death more times than we want. And the reason I say the lucky of us go through that, though I would that the cup would pass from my lips, I don’t want to drink from that cup. It’s bitter, has no future. Everything that seems to have been built has been destroyed. But the moment where it feels like I’m dying is in fact a moment where something in me is intended to die, not go on as the one who is betrayed, full of bitterness, ever wondering why, thinking someday I’ll get even or he or she will come back and then they’ll see how wrong they were.
Guy Finley: Oh, my God, the story is endless ’cause all of us are an expression of a consciousness living it, but to understand and then to quietly sit back within oneself and let what the moment has come to do be done, because then the man or woman who exits that moment, where some idea they had about themselves, some image, an attachment, a plan, a dream, when the whole thing just goes belly up, we look at the condition, and we say, “That’s what went belly up. No, that’s not what went belly up. What died was a part of myself that I was so identified with that when the conditions no longer are in place to perpetuate the dream I feel like it’s me that has died and it’s not I who have died, but a dream a the dream and the dreamer.”
Guy Finley: And there, I sit stark naked, quite literally, in the present moment, with what seems like nothing, because my attention only knows how to be given unconsciously to something that if I had my choice, I wouldn’t give my attention to it, but I am drawn like a moth to the flame to feel these unwanted feelings instead of recognizing, sweet God, what is it in me that keeps going and revisiting a feeling that I don’t want? And then out of the unwanted feeling building a dream or a plan or some future where momentarily I’m consoled, when I’m not meant to be consoled by that moment, I’m meant to be changed through it.
Guy Finley: That’s called conscious suffering, not unconscious useless suffering. And if I can understand the difference in it, it’s impossible that when I am called to return to that pain, revisit, think about, re-live, I don’t re anything, I allow the moment to show me, I don’t know who I am without somebody else, I don’t know who I am without that plan that was so intimately connected to your presence and your participation and now you’re gone. God, the whole thing’s come undone, I’m probably going to lose everything now, because that’s how deeply involved that dream is. It goes on without a person knowing it, and then instead of being thankful, which I know is hard to do, Neil, please don’t misunderstand me. Nobody says, oh, at least not for the longest time, but I promise you, one day, it’s true, even in the midst of the pain. Thank you, Father, thank you, God, thank you, the divine, for delivering me into a moment that I could have never even known I needed to be delivered into, let alone what I will be delivered from that I didn’t know I needed to be delivered from, attachment, dependency, enabling, trying to keep everything in place, not so that the relationship stayed in place, but so that my person who I’m familiar with, isn’t suddenly thrown out into a prison some place.
Guy Finley: This is a completely different context for our consciousness, Neil. I know you can hear and feel what I’m saying, but this is what we have to get to if we want to use these moments that come where we reject them instantaneously, and instead of rejecting them, understanding in that moment, the suffering isn’t in the condition, it’s in my attachment to a part of myself I didn’t know was there and that I’m going to be much better off without once it’s allowed to pass, to die.
Neil Sattin: And do you have some helpful hints about how to engage in that process? The concept makes sense to me. In what you were saying I was hearing the literal question of, “What is this pain pointing to in me that needs to die, that I need to let go of.” And I’m just wondering, yeah, if there’s a process there that you find helpful to help people engage in that, ’cause it can be so easy to get kind of a quick answer to that question. And then…
Guy Finley: Yeah, yeah, and then the moment comes… Yeah, I understand and that’s wonderful, Neil, that’s quite insightful, because the last thing that I want to do is paint this as a rosy picture when we’re in some kind of pain, because our partner has gone left instead of right or maybe just disappeared. So I do not want to make light at all of what is essentially a kind of a mini dark night of the soul.
Neil Sattin: Yeah.
Guy Finley: But the question, what do I do with this pain, how do I process it, begs without the person asking the question, begs the question, well, I, therefore, must be different than this process. I must be something other than the pain in this moment. And that which is other than the pain in this moment wants to know what to do with the pain, so it can get past the pain in the moment, and no such thing exists. A person who has cancer, a person who’s an addict, at some point comes to grips with the fact, this is what is. I am not empowered to change the pain of the revelation, the revelation has in it its own clarity about a set of conditions that one way or another have come to teach me something about myself. I haven’t been thrown into this moment, I’ve been sown into it, and until I can find a greater purpose, which is what we’re talking about, the whole of my work, then everything that I do to escape the pain, process it so seemingly I’m outside of it and better than that, is the waste of the appearance of that pain.
Guy Finley: You don’t deny a toothache. Well, we do, don’t we? I mean, that’s there, right? I had a terrible toothache myself two weeks ago, it was unbelievable, out of the clear blue sky. And nothing in me wants to admit that this is the pain that usually leads up to a root canal. So what do we do when we have that kind of pain? We pretty much hope it goes away.
Neil Sattin: Exactly.
Guy Finley: And if you’ve ever had an impacted tooth and hoped the pain would go away, the truth is that sometimes it will go away, but the problem behind the impaction doesn’t, so it becomes infected. And the next thing you know you’ve got something three times worse than what you had had you dealt with it on the spot, you understand the metaphor.
Neil Sattin: Yeah.
Guy Finley: The analogy. Same thing with this pain, Neil.
Neil Sattin: So yeah, a couple of different things coming up for me. One is, I’m sitting with what you said about being sown into it not being thrown into it, that idea that this actually is me right now, in this moment.
Guy Finley: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And listen to me, please, everybody, because in those moments when my heart has been plucked out of my chest or what I was depending on for the success of my business or whatever the venter was that it looked like everything was roses and suddenly I’m pierced by thorns, I have no future, it’s been robbed. And the task here is to understand that who and what you actually are doesn’t depend upon something you’ve imagined in the future that you don’t even know you’re dependent on. We have no idea the extent of the dependency, unconscious dependency, that grows over time through familiar relationships, where we begin gradually to depend upon the person to act out and to be what we are dependent on them acting and being. Because if they don’t do it, they break the pattern.
Guy Finley: And if they break the pattern then is the pain that I feel in the break of the pattern, or is the pain in my dependency on the pattern? And if my pain is on the dependency of the pattern, why in the name of God do I want to create another one? I should be grateful because love has no pattern. That’s called familiarity that breeds contempt, although we don’t know it breeds contempt until someone breaks the pattern and then the resentment and the contempt sitting underneath it born of dependency rears its ugly head. And instead of seeing our complicity with that enabling dependency, we blame our partner. Instead of saying thank you, I don’t know how, what I’m going to do, but I sure understand that there is something for me to learn in this moment instead of burn over, and by God, I’ll do what I have to do to get the lesson in the moment instead of reject it in the hope of a moment that comes along where the pain isn’t there with me.
Neil Sattin: So I have a bit of a curve ball question for you in this moment.
Guy Finley: No such thing, Neil.
Neil Sattin: Right, it’s all part of the same fabric. And I’m wondering, Guy, for you, how would you decide if you were in too much pain in a particular, like if a relationship that you were experiencing, whether it was a relationship to the weather, the conditions, the person in your life, how would you decide if the pain of relationship with that person was too much for you? In other words, where, because no matter what, when you leave a relationship, that creates pain, so you get to decide if you want the grief associated with staying or the grief associated with going. And I’m just curious for you, I think there’s potentially a danger, particularly for people who are in really problematic situations, of feeling like, “Wait, is Guy Finley saying I should just be thankful for this pain and stay where I am and that I shouldn’t… “
Guy Finley: Okay, yeah, I got it. I’m glad you asked. I go to great pains in my book to absolutely make the point if you’re in an abusive relationship, and let me be clear, your husband leaving his socks on the floor is not abuse, but your husband raising his fist at you because you tell him again please pick up your socks and you’re in fear of your husband, get out of that relationship, you’re not here to be abused by anybody. The strange thing is that we abuse ourselves. If my wife loses her temper every other week because X, Y, Z and blames me for losing her temper and I’ve done nothing other than just whatever it is that I am. Who’s abusing who? We never want to see how abusive we are to ourselves, by trying to make someone into something they will never be. That is self-abuse, insisting that any other human being be what you need or want them to be is self-abuse. On the other hand, if they’re trying to do that to you and are aggressive, consistently cruel verbally, involved in some pattern of a behavior, drugs, alcohol, anything excessive that way, and you stay in the relationship, you are self-abusive, and you have two people abusing each other, enabling each other and blaming the other for their pain. Does that answer your question?
Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think what I’m hearing is there are flavors of abuse that are maybe more obvious physical violence, and then there’s maybe a gray zone where it’s ’cause… And I’m just calling it a gray zone because I think people are often a little unclear on emotional violence, emotional abuse, but everyone who’s listening to us…
Guy Finley: You and I both know there are people who are in emotionally abusive relationships.
Neil Sattin: Yes.
Guy Finley: Why does anyone stay in an emotionally abusive relationship, especially if they have said, “You know what, every time you raise your voice like that, I don’t know what to do with myself, it hurts. Please, please don’t do that.” And then the partner does not acknowledge, let alone attempt to act on the wish. Here is the root of it. We stay in emotionally abusive relationships because it’s better to have someone to blame than to be without somebody to blame. I don’t know who I am without resenting you. I don’t know who I am without hoping, knowing it’s futile, that you’re going to change. I don’t know who I am without coming home and hoping to God that you’re not in that particular state of mind when I know that 9 out of 10 times you will be, and that there’ll be that tension and that it doesn’t get resolved. I don’t know who to be because rather than go through what life is asking me to do, which is to rediscover, reclaim my own integrity, see through the co-enabling parts of myself, that I might enter into a relationship that starts healthy instead of keep an unhealthy one alive ’cause I don’t want to be without it, I’d rather stay with what I have.
Guy Finley: And I’m going to make a giant leap here, Neil, that same mind is the same mind that revisits the loss. Rather than be alone, be by myself with this emptiness, I would rather revisit feeling victimized, revisit what will no longer be. This is where grief, natural grief turns into self-love. My wife dies, my child passes, a beloved friend dies. If I don’t grieve I’m not a human being, but grief is the revelation of a certain limited kind of love that invites me to see that because the person’s gone doesn’t mean love is. Love can’t die. So, when I revisit the grief and revisit the grief, it’s not ’cause I’m revisiting a love lost, I’m revisiting a part of myself that loves to feel what it does, and would rather feel that pain than be a person who moves on and discovers there’s another order of love possible in that very moment. So it’s in scale.
Guy Finley: And I hope I didn’t lose anybody, but that’s why we stay in relationships not just with people but with our own problems, our own pains, because we don’t know who to be without that dependency on something through which we derive an identity, as painful as it may be.
Neil Sattin: So maybe… This might be our last question for today. Not because we couldn’t keep going, ’cause…
Guy Finley: I understand, Neil.
Neil Sattin: We could keep going for sure. And Guy, I’m so appreciative of just who you are and the openheartedness that you bring to these questions. What’s illuminated for me in this moment is wondering about the fear that keeps people in place.
Guy Finley: Yes. So let’s write this… Go ahead, please, I’m sorry.
Neil Sattin: Yeah, so it feels like that’s the last piece of this puzzle where we’ve landed today has been around this question of what do you do with the pain, what do you do with an aching heart? What do you do when there’s when there’s… And how do you know if there’s too much pain? And what do you do when you’re weighing the choice to stay or go? Which is this what I’m hearing you say is it’s often centered around, do I choose what I know myself to be, which is who I am in relation to this situation, or do I choose the unknown along with the way that a choice to leave often impacts our family, our children, our friends, there are ripples to that kind of decision.
Guy Finley: Of course.
Neil Sattin: Yeah, so when faced with that, what do you do?
Guy Finley: It’s probably uncountable how many relationships there are on this planet that have become stale, stagnant and that basically trundle on from day to day because one or the other, and it’s usually both, has just stopped growing. And we’re all masters at blaming our partner for being the one who doesn’t grow, because we can so easily identify in them the limitations that we’re aware of in them, never dawning on us that judging a limitation in our partner and holding their feet to the fire for it is our limitation.
Guy Finley: So that the question is really underneath all of this, do I want to grow as a human being? Because honestly, Neil, we either grow or we die. We begin dying as human beings most of us in our 20s because we’re so habituated to some status quo, where out of the fear of loss, of negativity, of meeting parts of ourselves, we compromise with everyone and everything, just so that the boat doesn’t rock, and we wind up in a reality that’s a dream and that anything that shakes the dream is seen as a nightmare, when the real nightmare is the dream we’re in because it’s keeping us from growing. So we reach a point where we need to understand that the real dissatisfaction in this instance, say, with our partner, whether they’ve stayed with us or left us, is because there’s something in me that is offered in that relationship, a chance to grow beyond who and what I’ve been.
Guy Finley: Now in relationships that are intact, those moments come when I’m willing to understand that my partner may be in pain and that’s why they made that punitive remark, and rather than responding in unkindness, fighting as we do tit for tat, I use that moment to discover in myself something that believes it’s beyond question. You can’t ask me something like that. Your opinion doesn’t count, only mine. And then when we see that in ourselves, the very revelation is the beginning of its transformation, ’cause now I know something about my own consciousness I didn’t before. I am growing. And whether my partner wants to grow or not, that’s not the issue, because if I continue to grow, I will reach a point where I have outgrown my partner and there will be no question about it.
Guy Finley: Not that it won’t be painful. So let’s say I’ve reached the point where I’ve outgrown my partner or my partner’s left me for whatever reason, and then I’m sitting there and I’m going, “Well, now what’s going to happen?” I’m afraid, and I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s coming literally in the next moment, other than some terrible thought I wish I didn’t have, so when it comes to the fear of the future, let’s be clear about that, everybody. Again, the context, do I want to grow or not? There is no fear of the future, Neil, without negative imagination, period. There is no fear of the future without negative imagination.
Guy Finley: So now where’s the responsibility for the fear? In the person that left me, in the great unknown that sits before me, or is the unknown that just before me, my demand that I know what’s coming so that I know who I am and how to handle it. And when we start having this kind of understanding, she betrayed me. He stole from me. What’s going to happen, what am I to do? And then you realize that to take thought in that moment about what’s going to happen to you downstream is the same as going into another dream that is just a continuation of that consciousness, instead of the end of a relationship with that consciousness, because now it’s very clear to you, the task here isn’t to go into thought, the task is to remain as present as I can to everything that I see and feel in myself.
Guy Finley: And then don’t ask, well, where is the limit? How much pain can I take? You’ll know. The body shuts itself down. Literally, a person who will really attend to themselves in these heightened moments will likely fall asleep, because the resistance is so great, but you will have gained that much strength in understanding by going through that exercise. So if we will be true to ourselves as best we know how to be true to ourselves, given a new understanding of what it means to be true to ourselves, then we cannot fail. Every effort that we make along the lines of understanding that we mustn’t take thought to end torment, because thought itself is the source of the torment, but rather we must become aware of thought, of the thinker, of the planner, of the one imagining, of the one afraid, and every bit of light we bring into that darkness, that darkness is changed in some commensurate level. That’s a law. And as the darkness is brought into that light, that’s the same as integrating ourselves and that’s the purpose of love.
Guy Finley: And we know what to do with our relationships, even when we don’t really know what to do when they throw us the curve, ’cause we don’t go running out trying to find another ball game, another place to play. We use what’s given to us as it’s given to us, and then discover for ourselves the purpose of what was given to us, and then everything’s quite perfect for us in that moment, even though there’s pain.
Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think the phrase that comes up for me that I’m extracting from what you said was, well, a couple of things. One is a commitment to growth and faith even in a… Yeah, okay, I’m in pain, and I believe in my capacity to grow, to change, to shift, and even if I’m not growing the way that my partner wanted me to grow, I still am having faith in my ability to grow in this moment.
Guy Finley: Neil, your partner didn’t put you on this planet. God did. I’d rather have the divine plan then be delivered into the hands of my partner and his or her plan, believe me, or for that matter, my own plan ’cause that’s where most of the fear is.
Neil Sattin: Yeah, do you have a moment for one more question, Guy, before we go?
Guy Finley: Sure, go ahead, Neil.
Neil Sattin: What do you think has kept you in your relationship for 40 years instead of at some point deciding that it was time to go for a new adventure?
Guy Finley: Honestly, I don’t think I can answer it. It could be argued, I think, Neil, that every relationship that we enter into is for the length of that relationship manifested for the purpose of the development of our soul, and that at some point when we are sufficiently developed, which we are not the ones who decide that, please, we will enter into more abiding relationships, because the capacity to act as a conscious mirror of our partner and vice versa, has reached a point where we understand that this is perfect for us, I couldn’t imagine another partner, and I know she couldn’t either, but I didn’t create that, she didn’t create that, but we both agreed to go through those consciousness-shaking conditions, both individually and collectively, that bring about what you intimated a moment ago, which is not just the all-abiding wish and intention to grow as a human being, but a faith that life creates the conditions for that growth through our relationships, so that the faith in the goodness of life, the understanding that love is in fact the basis of relationship allows us to work and remain as present as we can to the conditions where we discover that love in fact was behind that moment, wanted or not.
Guy Finley: Then you enter into a completely different relationship with life and your partner is obviously a big part of it. But now, everything serves that purpose, Neil, everything, literally everything. In the East, they call it polishing the mirror, and the more the mirror is polished, the more perfectly it reflects the world, until one day, and heck of a place to end this interview, but then, one day you realize the world that you’re looking at is not out there, the universe is in you, literally, your partner is in you, everything is in you. I don’t know how it happens, but that’s the case, that’s the only way we know what we know and feel and experience about what we see because, really, we’re just seeing aspects of our own consciousness, and that’s when a person begins to be grateful for everything they see, because everything is revelation, everything, every revelation is a form of integration, and it’s endless. That’s the majesty of God, that’s the majesty of the divine.
Neil Sattin: Well, that is quite a place to end our conversation.
Guy Finley: I told you. Maybe we’ll have another conversation in six months and we can pick up there, huh?
Guy Finley: I think so, because just like the last one, I think there’s so much meat here for us to work with. Yeah, I’m really looking forward to digesting this conversation. And for the vegetarians there’s a lot of tofu here to toss around and… Yeah, and I think I’m going to be so curious to hear how this impacts you as a listener, because we dove deep into this topic that I think is what brings so many of us here to this podcast. I hope that at least to some level, people are here because they’re in a good situation and they want to make it better, and being honest, I think a lot of people come here because things could, they want things to be better in some way. So…
Guy Finley: I have one closing comment.
Neil Sattin: Go for it.
Guy Finley: It isn’t… We cannot explore our strength without exploring our weakness and when we understand that they are not separate issues, then we’re very close to not being afraid of ourselves anymore. That’s it.
Neil Sattin: Yeah. So as you’re polishing the mirror, be looking in the mirror, ’cause there’s lots to be revealed.
Guy Finley: Absolutely, and if I may, can I tell people where they might, if they’re interested, get the Relationship book?
Neil Sattin: Of course, yes.
Guy Finley: If you want to look at these ideas, please visit relationshipmagicbook.com, one word, relationshipmagicbook.com, and my foundation has put up a very special offer on a page there where you can get the free audible version of the book that I’ve read as well for the same inexpensive price. So relationshipmagicbook.com, and if you want to visit my website, it’s guyfinley.org, GUYFINLEY.org, you can visit that site and literally stay there for years, free. There’s a wisdom school there, where men and women from all over the world gather every week online. You can learn about that. It’s incredibly inexpensive, less than the cost of a Starbuck. And lastly, if you want… I’ve just begun, God help me, I’m on Twitter, I post daily Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. So if you want to find out anything more about it, Google. Google Guy Finley. But I’ve given you some good places to start.
Neil Sattin: Awesome. And we will have links to all of that in the show notes and transcript, which as a reminder, if you want to grab, you can visit neilsattin.com/magic2, that’s the word magic and the number 2, or you can text the word passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. Guy, I’m so appreciative of your time, your wisdom, your heart and your friendship, and thank you so much for being here with us today. I’m looking forward to a future conversation and I’m also just so appreciative of your contribution to the world, so powerful.
Guy Finley: Thank you, Neil, thank you so much.