Comments for Neil Sattin.com http://www.neilsattin.com Getting to the Heart of Personal Development Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:55:44 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 Comment on Relationship Advice: How to know when to leave a relationship by neil http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2007/10/relationship-advice-how-to-know-when-to-leave-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-24509 neil Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:55:44 +0000 http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2007/10/relationship-advice-how-to-know-when-to-leave-a-relationship/#comment-24509 Hi Michael, I'm actually working on a series of articles to help clarify how I think we can make relationships work "for real". It sounds like you can see your pattern plainly enough - and given your description it seems likely that if you "look for someone else" you're going to end up just in the same place with someone else. Because, as you astutely observe - the problem is probably not her - it's within you. I think that it's a REAL challenge, especially as a guy, to figure out what to do once you've won your girl. You get that boost in significance and certainty about yourself, but...then what? The nice thing is that there is a "what" to shoot for that gets to the heart of the matter. Why are we in relationships anyway? We're there to experience love. And love is an action. What I think brings us true joy is experiencing the kind of love that gives for giving's sake, that gives for the pleasure of giving, for the magic of seeing how you can actually light up another person. The best relationships magnify our experience - our lives are greater because of the relationship. And having that kind of relationship is completely within your control - though it will present its own risks and challenges. She's asking you if you're committed - and the answer currently, given your actions, is clearly "no". However, it is probably a sign of how much she cares about you that she's even willing to give you the option of saying "yes". And making a real go of it. You can get over your resentment if that's what you choose to do. You can learn how to love, how to be truly intimate with a woman, if that's what you choose to do. Or you can keep sampling from the buffet - if that's what you choose to do. My gut tells me, though, that you're writing because you're ready for something different. I'd be happy to help give you some thoughts on how to approach it, and some strategies for breaking some of your old patterns. It's actually pretty easy to do. It's like you're standing in front of two doorways. And you already know what will happen if you go through door #1. Door #2 is a bit more mysterious. You have some good ideas about it, and some fears about it. But once you walk through it, and see what it's really like to be loving AND truly committed, then door #1 starts to lose its power and appeal. When things get tough it will challenge you. But even in those circumstances you can frame "difficulty" as an opportunity for you to rise to the challenge and show your partner, show yourself, what you're made of. Hi Michael,

I’m actually working on a series of articles to help clarify how I think we can make relationships work “for real”. It sounds like you can see your pattern plainly enough – and given your description it seems likely that if you “look for someone else” you’re going to end up just in the same place with someone else. Because, as you astutely observe – the problem is probably not her – it’s within you.

I think that it’s a REAL challenge, especially as a guy, to figure out what to do once you’ve won your girl. You get that boost in significance and certainty about yourself, but…then what? The nice thing is that there is a “what” to shoot for that gets to the heart of the matter. Why are we in relationships anyway? We’re there to experience love. And love is an action. What I think brings us true joy is experiencing the kind of love that gives for giving’s sake, that gives for the pleasure of giving, for the magic of seeing how you can actually light up another person. The best relationships magnify our experience – our lives are greater because of the relationship. And having that kind of relationship is completely within your control – though it will present its own risks and challenges.

She’s asking you if you’re committed – and the answer currently, given your actions, is clearly “no”. However, it is probably a sign of how much she cares about you that she’s even willing to give you the option of saying “yes”. And making a real go of it.

You can get over your resentment if that’s what you choose to do. You can learn how to love, how to be truly intimate with a woman, if that’s what you choose to do. Or you can keep sampling from the buffet – if that’s what you choose to do.

My gut tells me, though, that you’re writing because you’re ready for something different. I’d be happy to help give you some thoughts on how to approach it, and some strategies for breaking some of your old patterns. It’s actually pretty easy to do. It’s like you’re standing in front of two doorways. And you already know what will happen if you go through door #1. Door #2 is a bit more mysterious. You have some good ideas about it, and some fears about it. But once you walk through it, and see what it’s really like to be loving AND truly committed, then door #1 starts to lose its power and appeal. When things get tough it will challenge you. But even in those circumstances you can frame “difficulty” as an opportunity for you to rise to the challenge and show your partner, show yourself, what you’re made of.

]]> Comment on Relationship Advice: How to know when to leave a relationship by Michael http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2007/10/relationship-advice-how-to-know-when-to-leave-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-24478 Michael Mon, 08 Mar 2010 10:21:42 +0000 http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2007/10/relationship-advice-how-to-know-when-to-leave-a-relationship/#comment-24478 Hi Neil, Im 41, never been in a really serious relationship, never lived with a woman, just had lots and lots of casual sexual relationships, and a few relationships that i stayed in for a year or so because i didnt want to hurt them, or didnt want to lose their approval, not sure which. Im pretty obsessed with others approval. And i know this fuels all the casual sex. Im in the first *real* relationship of my life it feels like. And Ive been trying to get out of it since i got in it 2 years ago. She would always talk me out of it, and i probably still resent her for that, and when I finally broke up with her a year ago, and she just started seeing someone else, i went on a 6 week solo holiday i was miserable as sin, full of regret, and didnt look at another girl. I told her this and we got back together. Now im working interstate for a few mths and ive kissed another woman and then put an add on a stupid dating site. she found out about both and wants to know once and for all am i committed to this. this sounds ridiculous in writing i can see, but your earlier reply to simon about whether he had given his relationship every change really hit home. i havent, and i think i could make it work if i did. problem is as much as i love her and respect her i baulk at committing fully. I still resent her for the fights when she would want to talk about committment and i didnt, and the feelings i have that i got back with her so as not to hurt her. ive made a life of taking the easy way out and im sick of it. but ive also spend my life living for others approval and im sick of that too. and i dont want to hurt her any more just for my own therapy. So do i do the things in your list to give it a decent go, or do i take the easy option and look for someone else? Hi Neil,
Im 41, never been in a really serious relationship, never lived with a woman, just had lots and lots of casual sexual relationships, and a few relationships that i stayed in for a year or so because i didnt want to hurt them, or didnt want to lose their approval, not sure which. Im pretty obsessed with others approval. And i know this fuels all the casual sex. Im in the first *real* relationship of my life it feels like. And Ive been trying to get out of it since i got in it 2 years ago. She would always talk me out of it, and i probably still resent her for that, and when I finally broke up with her a year ago, and she just started seeing someone else, i went on a 6 week solo holiday i was miserable as sin, full of regret, and didnt look at another girl. I told her this and we got back together. Now im working interstate for a few mths and ive kissed another woman and then put an add on a stupid dating site. she found out about both and wants to know once and for all am i committed to this. this sounds ridiculous in writing i can see, but your earlier reply to simon about whether he had given his relationship every change really hit home. i havent, and i think i could make it work if i did. problem is as much as i love her and respect her i baulk at committing fully. I still resent her for the fights when she would want to talk about committment and i didnt, and the feelings i have that i got back with her so as not to hurt her. ive made a life of taking the easy way out and im sick of it. but ive also spend my life living for others approval and im sick of that too. and i dont want to hurt her any more just for my own therapy. So do i do the things in your list to give it a decent go, or do i take the easy option and look for someone else?

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