Neil Sattin.com

If you want insight on how to figure out who you are, follow your dreams, and succeed in life, there are any number of personal development sites out there offering superb information.  Surely one of the most-offered bits of wisdom is that we should pursue our passion(s) and develop a solid vision for where they might take us.  If we can imagine where we want to be, if we can get into the feeling of where we want to be, then we will eventually find ourselves where we want to be.  As simple as that (with a whole lot of action in between, most likely).  However, for all the personal development writing out there, I haven’t seen much of what specific dreams, other than writing about personal development, the personal development writers have.  Personally, I believe that we’ve all come to this lifetime to create something, to have a personal dream that’s something more than “helping others create their dreams”.  And for those of us who also read about personal development, we want to learn through example.  How does having a dream - even some “crazy” distant dream, actually manifest in the world?  I want to see it happen!  That’s where this challenge comes in.

Are you a personal development writer? 

Now’s your chance!  Tell your readers all about one of your wildest dreams.  You can be as detailed (or as succinct) as you want to be - what we’re interested in is learning about a personal dream of yours that’s outside of the realm of writing about personal development and helping others along their path.  Many of us have talked about the “magic wand” test - well, if I could wave the magic wand for you right here and now, what dream would YOU have realized?  What will be your personal stamp on the world, the thing that you create that’s a pure expression of your unique you, the thing (outside of personal development stuff) that’d bring you the most joy?  All you have to do is tell us!  Create the vision for us - and make it public.  Reveal your dream.

Are you a personal development reader?

Have you been waiting to define your dream, waiting to discover what the perfect dream for yourself is?  Stop waiting!  Take this opportunity to define the dream, and, if you have a blog, post your dream on your blog.  If you don’t have a blog, you can simply leave it in the comments on someone else’s blog (like this one, for instance).  The point is to make it public, which will help you move down the path of making it real for yourself.  Oh, and one more thing that you could do (if you don’t mind) - if your favorite Personal Development blogger hasn’t responded to the “Reveal Your Dream” challenge yet, could you send them to this post?

The Rules

1. Reveal your dream for the world to see, either on your blog (if you’re a blogger) or in the comments of a blog (like this one).
2. Remember, it’s a dream - so aim high!  If your inner critic tells you that your dream isn’t “realistic”, tell your inner critic to take a hike.  State one of your wildest dreams AS IS.  Using the present tense in your description will be helpful in terms of actually formulating an “intention” from your dream (and generating the feeling of its already having transpired).
3. Tag some other bloggers, or friends.  Don’t forget this step!
4. Links back to this post are appreciated, but not essential.  You could just mention that you’re responding to the Reveal Your Dream challenge on NeilSattin.com.
5. That’s it - start manifesting!

My Dream:

Here’s a dream of mine that I’d love to see come true.  In my dream, I’m playing music for 2000 people, in a large auditorium (I’m imagining Merrill Auditorium in Portland, Maine - but any auditorium will do).  Everyone is really excited about the music, so the energy in the place is high.  It feels like a community event - even though I’m on stage, everyone is part of the show.  I teach members of the audience the words to the chorus of one of my songs, and as I sing everyone sings along.  It’s an amazingly good time, and everyone’s spirits are lifted by the music, the singing, and the laughs.  Of course there are laughs.

Tag, you’re it!  Some Personal Development Writers I enjoy, and whose dreams I want to know:

• Alex Shalman at Practical Personal Development
• Albert Foong at urbanmonk.net
• Barb Lattin at Feels Like Magic
• Bill Perry at Lucid Blog
• Brian Kim at briankim.net
• Jennifer Mannion at Heal Pain Naturally
• Jessica Porter at the HipChick’s Guide to Macrobiotics Blog
• Liz Strauss at Successful Blog
• Priscilla Palmer at Personal Development Demands Success
• Steve Pavlina at stevepavlina.com
• Tonya Sattin (my lovely wife) at HappyDash.com
• Tupelo Kenyon at Tupelokenyon.com

One last thing

You’re allowed to have many dreams, but you don’t have to reveal EVERYTHING for the world to see - just pick one of them for this challenge.  Also, the beauty of being human and having the freedom of choice is that you can always change your mind - and by setting the wheels in motion for the dream you mention you’ll be able to make an informed choice.  Reveal your dream for the world to see.  It’s risky, but I promise you’ll thank me down the road.  Oh, and please keep in touch - I want to hear how it all goes!

I touched a little bit on the art of apology in my last article (see: Overcoming Jealousy in a Relationship - practical advice), and I think that the subject of apologizing merits a dedicated post.  It’s inevitable in life - you’re innocently (or not-so-innocently) being you, and somehow you manage to screw up, offend someone, or cause some damage that warrants repair.  You may have been trying your best, but that’s no excuse, and now you owe someone an apology.  How do you apologize in a way that really acknowledges the way that another person is feeling, and in a manner that might even bring about some internal change within you?  In this article we’re going to talk about how to apologize, and we’re ALSO going to talk about how to deal with your own main obstacle to apologizing effectively: the desire to be right all the time.

First thing first:   How to apologize

An effective, authentic apology is actually very simple.  Think about what you’ve done -  the facts of what you’ve done.  Apart from what certain politicians will tell you, facts DO exist.  You did something.  And that “something” has created a problem.  Also, think about how your actions have affected the person to whom you’re apologizing.  What are they telling you about how it has affected them?  Don’t read into it.  All you have to go on is what the other person is telling you, and the facts of what you did.  Ask yourself, “Do I really want to apologize for what I did?”  For instance, perhaps you don’t mind having the other person’s being mad at you, or feeling wronged?  The only way that your apology is going to ring true is if it is coming from your heart, from a true compassionate desire to right the wrongs that you’ve committed (whether inadvertently or purposefully).

If the answer is “Yes, I do want to apologize” then here’s how you do it: 

Say “I’m sorry that I <insert what you did here>.  I see how my doing that has <insert what you’ve been told about how the other person is affected here> you.  It doesn’t feel right to me, and I’m truly sorry.”

That’s the apology in its entirety.  Notice how there’s nothing about how you “didn’t know that such-and-such was going to be a problem” - there’s ABSOLUTELY NO EQUIVOCATION OR ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN AWAY WHAT YOU DID.  As soon as you start explaining, you are effectively saying “I’m not really sorry.  If you only understood, then you wouldn’t be angry, and there’d be nothing to apologize about.”  Notice how the word “if” is also absent from this apology.  You’re not “sorry if I offended you” - this person’s anger is telling you that you DID offend them!  As soon as you put an “if” in your apology, you are invalidating what the other person has told you about how they feel.  How effective will your apology be in that case?  Not very!

If you’d like to add anything to your apology, you might try talking a little bit about what you’re going to do to keep what you did from happening again.  Stating what preventative action you’re planning to take will help to communicate to the other person that you are sincere about not wanting to duplicate whatever just happened.  If you’re not sure what you’re going to do, you can always say something like “I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do to prevent this from occurring again, but I want you to know that it’s important to me that this never happen again.”  Or you can even ask the person what preventative steps they think might be helpful in the future, though that creates the danger that they’ll think you’re not taking full responsibility for your actions.  Your best bet is to think about it thoroughly enough that you DO know what you can do to keep the offense from recurring.

Finally, if you’re not sure what else to do, and if it doesn’t feel quite “over”, you can always ask the other person:  “Is there anything else that I can do right now to help correct what I’ve done?”  At that point, the other person should be well on their way down the path to forgiveness, and the majority of the heaviness of the situation should be gone.

Why is it so hard to apologize sometimes?

Let’s just assume for a minute that most of us tend to act with a certain degree of intention in our lives.  We’re trying to do right by the world, and so we generally think that we’re doing our best.  And when we’re doing our best, we often feel like we can do no wrong.  Or, if we have done wrong, that it’s “not our fault” - because we were trying our best.  There are all sorts of reasons to explain why we did what we did - surely ONE of those reasons will help the person we’ve managed to offend (hurt/anger/etc.) understand that we didn’t MEAN to hurt them.  Right?  No apologies necessary then!

When we apologize to someone, we’re admitting that we messed up.  That we’re not so perfect.  In fact, it’s more-or-less completely incongruous with the way that we conduct ourselves in the REST of our lives (going around doing “our best” - and doing no wrong).  To top it off, many of us harbor internal fear of being “bad” from whatever reprimands we faced as a child trying to figure out the right way to act in an adult’s world.  As soon as we’ve admitted “wrongdoing”, we’re setting ourselves up for the big spanking (I’m speaking metaphorically, of course) that awaits us.

Stop and think about it:  Why do you need to be right all the time?  What are you afraid of?

When you’re finding it difficult to apologize, stop and ask yourself “Why is it so important for me to be right?”, and take time to find the real answer to that question.  Most likely, there is some fear within you that is hindering your apology.  Are you afraid of being “less than” the person to whom you’re apologizing?  Remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with making mistakes in life.  After all, the way we learn (and succeed) is by giving energy to our successes and learning from our mistakes.  It doesn’t make you a bad person to admit that you’ve hurt someone and to apologize for it - in fact it shows that you’re oriented towards growth and compassion.

When you notice that you’re having difficulty apologizing and you sense that you have a need to be “right” - stop yourself.  Experiment with breathing, and just letting go of the “you” that is scared of being wrong/bad/etc.  It’s not important to be right, after all - what’s important is to learn more about how to connect with the people around you and how to truly be the best you can be.  The “you” that’s not afraid of apologizing for a mistake (and accepting responsiblity for your actions) will ultimately be stronger than the fearful “you” that has to be right all the time.

Why it’s important to apologize 

When you can let go of your need to be right, your need to be perfect, you are opening up the door to profound growth opportunities.  Ultimately the act of apologizing is a healthy dose of self-awareness:  awareness of your actions and the effect of those actions on other people.  Most importantly, in taking responsiblity for your actions, you reinforce the power that you have to affect the world around you.  The honesty of a sincere apology will actually give you MORE clarity about who you are in this world, because you won’t be all caught up in what you “wish was the case” (not having hurt or offended someone) - instead you will be recognizing the reality of what IS.

Amazing things happen almost effortlessly when you develop that awareness.  For one thing, having been honest in your assessment of what you did and the undesired effect that it had on another person, you will naturally be much less likely to repeat the offense.  Abandoning the need to be an all-knowing, infallible expert will allow you to be more curious, opening you up to learning more about the world around you.  You’ll also experience much more alignment with the people around you, who will sense that you’re available for real connection and communication.  And if any of those people have trouble letting go after you’ve apologized, don’t worry - we’ll be covering “how to forgive” in an upcoming post.

note: here is my article on how to forgive in four easy steps